Decisions, Decisions
What is it about blogging that makes it easier to have discussions about things that you wouldn’t talk to most of your relatives or close friends about? Actually, I have talked to my closest IRL friend, but I have this need to “talk” with you all about it too.
After the roller coaster we’ve been on since March — freaked by the thought of a fourth child, happy at the thought of a fourth child, starting to get a little excited at the thought of a fourth child, then crash and burn — I know this isn’t the best time for a major decision about a fourth child. Good thing we have a few weeks before there’s even a chance. We keep having this conversation and I keep coming back to “But I waaaaaaaaaant one!”, which isn’t really the best way to win over a spouse who’s pretty sure it’s the craziest idea I’ve ever had but is willing to talk it out to see if I have a valid reason.
Cons:
I’m 38, he’s 44. I didn’t have my first child til I was 30, we’d been married 8 years. I am around 10 years older than the parents of most of the kids my children’s ages. We talk about things like — will we live to see our own grandchildren if our kids wait as long as we did to have children? Is pregnancy and labor going to be exponentially worse since I’m no spring chicken any more (actually, I never really was). And then the one I hate to even admit — what will people THINK? I’ve never cared what people thought, for the most part. Take me or leave me, here I am. But really, having a surprise child at this point in life is one thing. Planning to have another child at this point in life is quite another. I guess I don’t mind too much being that crazy “What were you thinking?” woman in most of my social circles (yeah like I have any!). After all, I am that crazy homeschooling lady already.
Pros:
A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It just sort of trumps everything right now.
See, I told you, I can’t debate logically on this. Do you think I will ever be able to?
4/26/06 - edited to remove a glib reference to a family member who might be offended at my glibness.
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I am 40. If it were possible… I would have another baby! *Grin*
April 26th, 2006 at 7:47 amPsalm 127 3-5:
Behold, children are a GIFT of the Lord;
April 26th, 2006 at 8:18 amThe fruit of the womb is a REWARD.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth. (you are still young enough to conceive)
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They shall not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.
We prayed. Not for a child specifically, but for what to do. We had Emma.
After that, we knew for sure it was enough. All you can do is pray.
April 26th, 2006 at 8:49 amI’m with Andrea. Pray. And think eternally. And of God’s ability to help us through anything he puts on our hearts. And that if having any baby were logical, rational, or could be reasoned out, we’da died out as a race thousands of years ago. Babies are unreasonable, exhausting, expensive (emotionally and fiscally) and crazy. Kind of like our calling as Christians to begin with! But sooo, soooo, rewarding. Hey, Sara had Isaac at what? 99?!
Pray. Feel what he places on your heart. Lean on your husband’s feelings. If he’s really hesitant, pray for you to feel his feelings. Pray for you both to be aligned. Then see what the Lord does. I just feel unity, either way, is the key.
Just my opinion. We’re on to hoping and wanting now. It feels good. Scary, but good.
April 26th, 2006 at 9:20 amHi Gem~
April 26th, 2006 at 11:16 amThank you for the kind words you left me @ my place. I’m glad to *meet* you.
I am so sorry about your loss.
And, fwiw, I have a friend who was surprised with their 4th when she was 40yo, and had him when she was 41. Of course now they can’t imagine their lives without him. Another friend of mine is pregnant right now with her 7th child, and she’s 42yo! She says they keep her young, and her husband works from home, so he’s a big help too… and they’re in agreement about wanting so many blessings too!
In retrospect, my dh and I realized that the only reasons that we didn’t *think* we wanted more children (when dh had his vasectomy done) were felt fears and inadequacies. And then, our hearts were so changed over the years, and dh went and had a vas reversal… now we want more children! *smiles*
Pray for wisdom, and pray for your dh. I agree, you must have unity with your husband.
blessings to you and yours~
I’m new to your blog (clicking links in blogrolls), but I just had to comment. I had a fourth child around 2.5 years ago, but the decision was ALL God’s. In some ways that’s easier. I was so depressed when I had become pregnant. I was afraid I was too old to be pregnant and give birth. Even though the idea of a fourth child delighted me, the prospect of months or years of postpartem depression did not. But now when I look at her little face I just want to suck the cheeks off her face. I wouldn’t trade her for a skinnier body and more energy. Not in a million years. I have a friend that always says, “You might regret NOT having a child if you feel that need, but you’ll never regret HAVING him or her.” It’s true.
April 26th, 2006 at 6:11 pmWe often talk about it and always, in the long run, decide against it.
April 26th, 2006 at 6:41 pmI felt that way after our number three. I wanted another, Kevin didn’t. I prayed for God to either change my heart or Kevin’s. He changed Kevin’s and now we have Josiah. And of course, Kevin can’t imagine our family without him. So just to agree with everyone else, pray. I still pray for you when you pop into my head - God is faithful.
April 26th, 2006 at 7:37 pmMy wonderful friend was born when her mom was 41. Then, when my friend turned 41 the same thing happened to her— she found out she was pregnant with a surprise baby. Now, that little boy is a 2 year old wonderful handful who joyously chases his brothers everywhere. But this is the part of the story you are really going to like. The Grandma, my friend’s mom, is 84 and drives over several times a week to play with her youngest grandson. She walks with him all over the neighborhood, plays ball with him, and gives him her undivided attention. She looks younger and acts younger than many moms I know. She is so awesome, I would adopt her if I could. So, even if your children do wait a long time to have kids, it doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy your grandkids!
April 26th, 2006 at 10:16 pmWell, this is what I did (and you know how it turned out). We had three wonderful children. Life was good. I got pregnant, panicked, embraced, and then lost the baby (Christmas ‘04). Well, hmpf. (Eloquent, no?)
Between the hormones, the water retention, the hormones, the emotions, and a few hormones, I realized there would be NO logic coming from me on that end. So I gave it over to God. Told Zorak that He and God could wrangle it out, that I’d be in the kitchen, ovluating and let me know what y’all decided.
Then I walked away from trying to “make” the decision. It was God’s, not mine. I was determined to honor whatever path He wanted us to take. Letting go, and being truly at peace with whatever life God wants me to have, in whatever form He gives it to me, has been the best thing I’ve managed to do in a long, long time.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Dy
April 26th, 2006 at 11:56 pmOh, Dy, I didn’t realize you had been in such a similar situation! I imagine you’re much younger than me, though, and that’s my big hangup. But I have had so much encouragement here, and I know that really, it’s not our decision at all, but God’s.
Thanks everyone for such great comments!!!
April 27th, 2006 at 4:42 pmI understand how you feel. When you truly want another baby, it kind of trumps everything. Good luck to you and your husband in this difficult decision, as you heal from your loss. (((Hugs))) S http://momof3feistykids.blogspot.com/
April 27th, 2006 at 7:10 pm