Back to school . . .

I *really* hate sending them off to school in the dark, all sleepy and grumpy. We are not morning people, not any of us. Duncan physically cannot fall asleep before 10pm, no matter when he goes to bed, no matter what the routine. His body does not work that way. The girls have a hard time too, although they don’t have as hard a time waking up as he does. And me — anything before 7am should just be against the law. I know, I know, I’m mostly libertarian and do not want the gov’t nosing in my private sleeping arrangements, but really what is so goldarn important it needs to happen that early?

Getting kids up after only 8 hrs of sleep (most need more like 12) is just wrong. Sending them off to someone else to learn is just wrong. Not being with them all day, missing them as I sit at a computer screen all day is just wrong.

Don’t misunderstand. I love my job. I love the people I work with — literally. My boss is my preacher, pastor, mentor the other ministers are close friends. This is a dream job for a working mama — if you want a job. News editing and camera work is getting thinner and thinner for Jim. His 3-4 days/week is one of the heavier schedules up on the wall in the breakroom at his station. He has told me he’s committed to me coming back home, but I just don’t see that happening. He’s almost 50 — I’m not sure what kind of career move he can make at this point that won’t be several steps backward financially and would still keep me working.

I just miss my kids. I miss watching them ‘get it’. I miss snuggles & waking up slowly together & just BEING with them. I hate rushing & scheduling & homework. I hate stupid assignments that make them cry to even contemplate hurdling them, even if they do get it eventually. I hate that IF they want to do any kind of activity, we have to be out every single night. I hate that we are very rarely together as a family. I hate that the limited time I’m home with them is spent griping and nagging and cleaning and fussing and complaining.

I hate how much I hate it all. Because it is our reality right now and I *need* to find a way to make it work better. THEY need me to make it work better. I can’t spend their childhood wishing things were different. It’s not fair to them.

2 Responses to Back to school . . .

  1. um, maybe I missed something here… but if Jim is not working full time… why can;t he be home with the kids?

    Who says it has to be you? ;)

  2. He is home w/the kids when he’s not working, but it’s a helter-skelter schedule (changes mercurially) and he’s a schedule-oriented guy. We totally unschooled the first year I went back to work, except for the time they spent at the sitter parked in front of the TV bored out of their gourds, I thought it went pretty well. He *hated* that they didn’t have regular lessons, and since the HS thing is pretty much my baby, I was going to have to put together a lesson plan for him if I wanted him to do it. And since I didn’t even really ever do that for myself . . . well, it just didn’t happen.

    He works Sat-Sun every weekend, and then 1, 2, or 3 weekdays, sometimes afternoons, sometimes full days, never scheduled until the week of. It gets expensive finding last-minute childcare for 4 kids for an 8-hr day or two per week, basically negates my income. So, school it was. Honestly, I first started thinking of it as free childcare — great attitude, huh? But they’ve really thrived there, and enjoy the theater/music activities. Taeryn’s still struggling to find her niche; she was the last of the three to get a spot at the charter and was at our local elementary all of last year. So she’s the new girl again, and really stressed about it. Her teacher is Moi’s from last year, though, and is everything I would want in a PS teacher!

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