I *really* hate sending them off to school in the dark, all sleepy and grumpy. We are not morning people, not any of us. Duncan physically cannot fall asleep before 10pm, no matter when he goes to bed, no matter what the routine. His body does not work that way. The girls have a hard time too, although they don’t have as hard a time waking up as he does. And me — anything before 7am should just be against the law. I know, I know, I’m mostly libertarian and do not want the gov’t nosing in my private sleeping arrangements, but really what is so goldarn important it needs to happen that early?
Getting kids up after only 8 hrs of sleep (most need more like 12) is just wrong. Sending them off to someone else to learn is just wrong. Not being with them all day, missing them as I sit at a computer screen all day is just wrong.
Don’t misunderstand. I love my job. I love the people I work with — literally. My boss is my preacher, pastor, mentor the other ministers are close friends. This is a dream job for a working mama — if you want a job. News editing and camera work is getting thinner and thinner for Jim. His 3-4 days/week is one of the heavier schedules up on the wall in the breakroom at his station. He has told me he’s committed to me coming back home, but I just don’t see that happening. He’s almost 50 — I’m not sure what kind of career move he can make at this point that won’t be several steps backward financially and would still keep me working.
I just miss my kids. I miss watching them ‘get it’. I miss snuggles & waking up slowly together & just BEING with them. I hate rushing & scheduling & homework. I hate stupid assignments that make them cry to even contemplate hurdling them, even if they do get it eventually. I hate that IF they want to do any kind of activity, we have to be out every single night. I hate that we are very rarely together as a family. I hate that the limited time I’m home with them is spent griping and nagging and cleaning and fussing and complaining.
I hate how much I hate it all. Because it is our reality right now and I *need* to find a way to make it work better. THEY need me to make it work better. I can’t spend their childhood wishing things were different. It’s not fair to them.